Three Months We Didn't Know We Had...

Month One- 

Uncertainty, overjoyed, unbalanced, blessed, strengthened, hope, fear, immeasurable love, inspired.

These are all the emotions that I went through during Thomas's first month of life outside the womb. That little boy amazed everyone. He was born with a broken body with barely a heart beat, but was able to overcome and persevere through so much pain and other health issues. We could only look on and try our best to comfort him when we were at the hospital and to make sure he knew how much we loved him. 

I hated feeling like I wasn't able to be with Thomas as much as I wanted OR with Taylor as much as I wanted. I don't know how parents do it without family or friends to help them. How would a single mother do it? I feel like I barely survived. On top of that I was pumping breast milk every three hours while Shane worked all day long and then went straight to the hospital afterward and didn't come home until Tay was in bed. 

Month Two- 

Excitement, scrambled, tired, self doubt, frustrated, blessed, strengthened, hope, fear, immeasurable love, inspired.

Oh goodness, Thomas was actually discharged to come home! We were able to spend a full week at home before he had his first trip of many to the ER. This became the month of surprises. Every week there was something different we were worried about- feeding, re-flux, aspiration, hernia, breathing, But this was also a great month of learning and growth for all of us. Thomas was doing well with Occupational Therapy and Physical Therapy. Thomas was starting to move more and didn't seem in pain from healed fractures. Shane, his parents, and myself were learning more about Thomas and his cues. We were learning more about what was normal for Thomas and what was concerning. We researched more about respiratory and digestive issues with babies that have severe OI. We became more comfortable with the machines and with handling Thomas. I became associated with the OI Parents group and immediately felt them encircle me with their strength and experience.

One particular night, I know Shane and I felt so tired and were having a hard time handling Thomas's schedule and cries throughout the night. Everytime I heard Thomas start to cry that night, I'd say a prayer to Heavenly Father that if it wasn't serious that Thomas would be okay and go back to sleep. Thomas ended up having such a good night that night...

It seemed that there were a lot of questions I still had about the plans for Thomas and why things didn't seem constant for Thomas. Why were we going up to the ER so often? Why can't I get things figured out for my son so we can stay out of the hospital for at least two weeks? What was I doing wrong?

However, my family was together all under one roof. I was able to wake up and cuddle Thomas while Shane and Taylor chased each other around the house.

Month Three- 

Nervous, confidence, tired, frustrated, blessed, strengthened, hope, fear, immeasurable love, inspired. 

I was about to return to school. I had a couple of weeks left. Time to start making freezer meals. Time to look at lesson plans. Do I even remember all of my students' names? How am I going to balance teaching, Taylor, and Thomas? 

Thomas was still having pulmonary and digestive issues, but we were getting sick of staying trapped in the house. We grew confidence in Thomas and in ourselves and ventured to a family party, sacrament meeting, and to the park. I started looking at our situation differently. No matter how much time we have, I don't want to say that we spent all of it on one floor of our house because we were too scared to live life. I needed to figure out how to live life with Thomas's machines and his fragile body. 

Great Grandma B got to hold her first great grandson! This woman inspires me. I was exhausted from being at the ER all night so my grandma came and made me lunch and cleaned the house. She is in her 80s and is still willing to get her hands dirty and serve. I have always been able to count on her and hope she knows that I will be there to clean her house and make her lunch when it's my turn to take care of her. 

Looking ahead at the next couple months and looking back at the last few months, I realized that there was no predictability to Thomas's situation. Not only was his mutation completely unique to him, Thomas's story was unique as well. Thomas has never gone more than a week and a half without an ER visit, a sudden need for a primary care visit, or a hospital admission. So given that pretty busy history, it didn't seem doable or even smart to continue working. It seemed like it would only end up hurting my family. I had been praying as to how I can better help Thomas and without a doubt this was an answer. My family needed all of me.  

Luckily, we were able to find a replacement at the end of my first week back. Thomas made it the entire week and then needed to be taken by ambulance to Primary's. 

Month Four- 

Angry, tired, frustrated, unbalanced, relieved, blessed, strengthened, hope, fear, immeasurable love, inspired. 

Thomas celebrated his one month, two month, and three month birthdays in the hospital. Maybe his four month birthday will be different. 

During this hospital admission I have often found myself angry that Thomas isn't being handled with enough care in regards to his limbs and possibility of fractures, angry that not enough was being done to ensure that a definitive plan was in place to make sure that he didn't end up in the ambulance again, angry that I was not being listened to when speaking about experiences of other babies with severe OI. 

At the same time, I was also sinking myself into conference talks from the last session and praying daily independently and with my children. In the car to and from the hospital I was finding comfort in Primary songs and conversations with Taylor about the Plan of Salvation. 

Tired and trying to figure out how am I going to do this. It's only been a week and half but this is not a quick fix. Thomas needs a lot of help for a long time. What decisions are we going to have to make? Will today's doctor be doom and gloom or optimistic? Will today's doctor be familiar with OI? Blah..... I'm exhausted even thinking about it. But Shane and I know where we stand and know that we do not want to be the ones to tell Thomas when he is done living on this earth. We trust in Heavenly Father and we trust in Thomas. We want to give Thomas EVERY OPPORTUNITY to live his life on this earth and when and if Thomas decides it is more than his precious body can handle, his body will let us know. I will not fail Thomas. 

We were blessed to watch the play based on a book by Nathan Glad (one of our dear friends with OI)- "Climbing With Tigers". This kiddo has been such a motivator for us to fight for Thomas. He is the happiest kid and doesn't let OI get in his way from living life. The play helps others to see what life is like through his eyes. Nathan's play also teaches so much about bravery and friendship. We walked away truly lifted and grateful that Taylor was able to experience that.  GO SEE IT!!! We are so grateful to know his family and look forward to learning how to pay it forward and serve other families. 

http://www.saltlakeactingcompany.org/this-season/item/1003-climbing-with-tigers

Continuing to pray for guidance on how to take care of Thomas, consulting with my army of OI mamas, and relying on friends and family to help us as we scramble day to day... finally a care conference was set. With Thomas's entire team, we were going to finally build a plan for my little guy to not only get him to a barely safe place to go home but to get him to a strong and sturdy place that would be the most promising for Thomas in the long run. We know Thomas needs to get his lungs to mature, the proper nutrition, and the best possible way for us to support his lungs. The days leading up to the conference my prayers had changed. Instead of praying for guidance for myself, I prayed for the doctors and Thomas's team to be guided. 

The day before the conference a new attending was assigned who also happened to have a child with special needs and knew the importance of a support group and the value that other parents were able to share with me. She recognized the weaknesses of his current care plan and immediately wanted it to be more driven and goal oriented. She also reached out to other resources that specialize in OI. Between her, our primary care doctor, and the OI specialists I felt that a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. The care conference was a team of 10 who's primary concern was helping Thomas get the care he needed so he can not only come home but have the best chance of staying home for awhile. 

He's needing to have better pulmonary support via High Flow and BiPap (or Cpap... they are going to do some studies with Thomas to decide which). He's now receiving Zole treatments to help his bones and will be starting some respiratory medicine as well. I don't know how our new plan will turn out but I do know that I finally feel peace that Thomas IS in the right hands now and the doctors are going to do the best they can. 

Dreams

Tonight when I was getting ready to put Taylor to bed, she pulled out several books that we have read a million times. Finally, I stepped in to see if there was something on her shelves that we hadn't read in a while. I found a book of hers that I had actually never read with her- "Fanny's Dream". 

I read about this woman who was waiting for her fairy godmother who never came. She never got to marry the prince or live in a castle or live a life free from hard work. But she did marry a man who loved her. They worked side by side. She had her hands full with taking care of the children and the life they had created for themselves. Their house burned down, but they rebuilt it and pushed forward. Later, her fairy godmother finally came and offered her the dreams she had long ago. She chose the life she had built. 

Holding back tears as I finished reading this book to Taylor, I realized that I would not have my life any other way. Yes, of course I wish I could take away Thomas's struggles, the medical bills, the stress, splitting our time between our children, and how tired we are.....

But I LOVE my husband and how hard he works for us and how much he loves being a dad. His patience and his priesthood has been such a blessing during this time. I LOVE what a strong spirited girl my daughter is, how caring she is to her brother, her creativity and her affectionate personality. I LOVE my son's facial expressions, quiet strength, his smiles and coos, his heavenly spirit, and the humility and perspective he has given me. 

What has happened to Thomas is not any mother's dream, but I know that we can build an even more wonderful life for our family because Thomas is a part of it. 

Day 15-17: Everything has its opposite...

Day 15: Friday is My Favorite Day!

I love Fridays! Shane is always singing this song about the days of the week and how Friday is the favorite day. I honestly don't know if it's real or if he's made it up. He sings it with such confidence and pizazz! 

Today is our last activity for DECA. I am ordering pizza for the kids and we'll watch a slideshow of all of our pictures from the year. It's bitter sweet. I've loved the year, the students, and the fun memories we've made. I'm sad to see this year of DECA be over. But, I'm also excited for next year's presidency and competitions. Nationals will be in DisneyWorld! Woop woop! Can I feel the magic? Yes I can!!!

Tonight we helped our some of our neighbors pack up their truck to move up to Logan. I'm really going to miss their family! The mom and I really enjoyed talking and our kids had a lot of fun playing together! I got a good workout in with taking boxes out to the truck and back. Workin on the muscles!

I'm super excited though because our fence was put in today so we now can let Taylor run loose without fear of her running towards the alley or the street. We won't have random people walking through our yard as a shortcut or thinking it's community property. It looks so good and we're already spending a lot of our extra time out there! BBQ anyone????

I've also made the spontaneous decision that we're going to go camping on Memorial Day weekend with all the other crazy people who have the same great idea. We're going to go down to Moab and hike Arches National Park. I've never been! We've extended the invitation to our friends and some of them will be joining us as well! This will be our first campout with Taylor. Wish us luck!

Day 16: Everything Going Great to What Else Could Go Wrong? 

Shane woke up and headed to the basement to take his practice test (4 hours) for his first CPA exam he has next week. While he did that, I fed Taylor breakfast and worked out. AWESOME WORKOUT BTW!!! We're going to ready and head to the store I tell myself. We ended up going outside to peak at some of the yard sales that are going on. My neighborhood hosts a huge community yard sale. It was like Halloween out there. People going house to house for goodies. I heard about some awesome tamales down a couple of blocks so I went and bought what I could with my sad little $5 bill, stuck them in the fridge, and then headed out for our errands. 

First stop- Home Depot! I was in the search for shade flowers and no one seemed where they were. I finally found this awesome associate who looked younger than I am. She answered every question I had after I told her I was a yard virgin. I found shade flowers and all the things on my list. I even lifted four bags of mulch by myself into the car. Taylor was not a happy camper and needed a nap so we headed back. I stopped by at the tamale house now that I had more change. She was all out of the meat tamales so I couldn't get any for Shane. First Bummer. 

While Taylor slept, Shane and I went out to work in the yard. While Shane was digging up grass to start putting in the mulch around the perimeter of the fence he noticed that our sprinklers ended up on the outside of the fence... Uh oh! It's only by a couple of inches but the posts are cemented in. We called and left a message so we'll see what will happen. Second Bummer. BIG BUMMER.

After cleaning up and throwing stuff into the garbages, Shane went to close the garage door and it hit a piece of wood hanging out from one of the big cans. It made a grinding sound and wouldn't go all the way down even after Shane moved it. It took Shane and a friend both on ladders to get up there and fix the thing. I was scared we broke our garage door motor! Third Bummer. 

At the grocery store, Shane and I decided to divide and conquer. At this point we're just trying to survive the day. I was on a mission to buy all the things required to make the meals in the 5 Day Meal Plan for T25. It's meant to be used right when you start the program to get the best results. I'm determined to get the best results so I made a grocery list and that was what I was going to get! Shane took Taylor and went in search for half of the items. I did the other half occasionally checking in with each other. We're almost done when Shane comes up to me and whispers in my ear that Taylor dropped a glass jar of pesto sauce. It ended up all over his shoes, the floor, and Taylor. It smelled like pesto for aisles. I felt so bad that I was one of those people who spilled something and then had to have the employees clean it up. I would have done it myself but he insisted. Smelly Bummer. 

Finally, we were done for the day. I mean done. We mentally checked out. So we ordered take out from Olive Garden and I went to pick it up. They charged extra for bread sticks and the food didn't have the quality it consistently has when we go there. And they didn't include their delicious mints. Small, but Final Bummer. 

Yes, we went to bed early. 

Day 17: Sunday Is My REAL Favorite Day

This morning, I caught up on my training for BeachBody while Shane spent some time with Taylor playing. I'm not going to let myself get behind again on that because A) I don't want to do it on Sundays, and B) it would have helped to have that knowledge earlier last week. I started the T25 Five Day Meal Start today so I drank my fancy recipe for Shakeology and got my workout in. I love having Taylor near by while I work out. She claps for me and sometimes tries to do the moves. Also, it helps me not feel so silly when I shout out "yeah!" or "woo hoo!" or "We've got this!" or "Focus!". 

I played with my Tater Tot and read her some books. She's always finding books and bringing them to me! 

My AM snack: Nonfat Yogurt with grapefruit zest and honey

Taylor goes down for a morning nap (only on SUNDAYS...) and I rest or hang out with Shane. I took a bath today and read the Ensign. It was the General Conference edition so I was reading the Saturday morning sessions since that was the one that I missed. I love Elder Holland's talk. "Be strong", he says. He encourages us to continue to testify of Christ and to build our foundations on Christ. 

I get to dress nice on Sundays. On weekdays I'm normally looking for clothes in the dark because I don't want to wake Shane. I'm also trying to get ready in 5 minutes because I press snooze too many times on my alarm. 

Lunch: Veggie Burger (yes, that's what I said- but it was way good!) on whole grain bun, with avocado and salsa. Apples on the side. 

Get Taylor ready and give her lunch! Walk two minutes to church! 

I loved the talks today! Do I remember what they about now? Sadly no.  But I remember what I felt and how it motivated me to want to be better! I get the privilege of teaching the amazing three year olds. They are the cutest things ever and amaze me every Sunday! Today the lesson was on our hands and how Heavenly Father gave us our hands to do good! 

Taylor naps again... It is so needed and so appreciated by all. 

PM Snack: avocado, goat cheese, and walnuts wrapped in sliced turkey! THIS IS A KEEPER!

Relax with Shane. Taylor wakes up and plays with us while we fix dinner. 

Dinner: Grilled cod with cumin, sea salt, and lime juice. Shredded on a corn tortilla with cabbage, cilantro, and avocado. Taylor loved it! Shane rated it a 7!

We sat outside and enjoyed our flowers and wished our sprinklers were on the inside of our fence. We talked and were just at peace together.

I took Taylor on a walk to visit a friend. Taylor got out of her seat and got really wet in someone elses yard. I had to strip her down and do the rest of her walk in her knickers with her strapped in. 

We played more with Taylor then read her some books and put her down for the night. 

I just love Sundays. I feel peace, patience, and joy. Today, I was no longer bummed or upset about what happened yesterday. I just enjoyed the day, being at church, and being with my family. 

30 Days of FAITH & FITNESS

Thirty Days... Strengthening my FAITH & my FITNESS

Last night, I went to bed wondering why I always come up with goals and to do lists and always say to myself "I need to wait until X to start". Like when I decided to finally do the work to get healthy, I told myself to wait until the new year. But, even though my Beach Body Challenge didn't start until January 20th, I started working out every day. I just spontaneously started and kept going. I challenged myself to see how far I could go and what kind of results I could get in a set time frame. (With Turbo Fire it's 90 days) I recently bought new pants for work by the way. I'm down from a size 18 to a size 12!!!

So last night, I spontaneously told myself to set a challenge to not only increase my faith but my fitness as well. All the time you read or hear about how writing down your goals, what you eat, etc, helps you to be more accountable. I also know that sharing your testimony strengthens it. Whether it's writing something down or saying it out loud, you become more committed. Invested. It becomes more than a dream or a goal. It becomes an action. 

I WANT to have a stronger spirit in my home. I WANT my husband and I to look at and treat one another with Christlike love. I WANT to have daily personal and family prayer (which I currently don't do). I WANT to continue to pray with my daughter and for her to recognize Jesus Christ. I WANT to follow the commandments and follow the the guidance of the prophets and apostles. I WANT to attend the temple weekly. I WANT to read my scriptures daily. I WANT to read scriptures with my husband and daughter. I WANT those that are around me to know Heavenly Father's love. 

I WANT to end my plateau and get below 190 lbs. I WANT to stick to the Turbo Fire schedule. I WANT to track my calories and exercise. I WANT to make healthier meals for my family that are also budget friendly. I WANT to be able to run 2 miles without stopping. 

My goals and dreams for my faith and fitness are written out and said out loud. I'm committed. I'm invested. I'm taking action. 

This morning, I woke up to my cute toddler and played with her as usual. This time though, I did something different. I pulled out the iPad and showed her the LDS.org video "I am a Child of God". We watched it three times. She loved it! I then, opened up my scriptures and read a chapter with her. I told her we were going to say a prayer together before we started our day. She folded her little arms and cuddled on my lap while I said a prayer. I cannot recall the last time I said a morning prayer... I then proceeded to give her breakfast and I worked out. 

Why have I not been doing this every day? I don't know if I have an answer or if I do and I just don't want to admit the answer. It doesn't matter though. Just like on making the spontaneous change to just start a new habit and commit to working out, I'm making a change. Change will make change. I had a long list of wants written down. If I want those things to change, I have to change what I'm doing. 

For 30 days, I will be writing down my testimony and progress towards these changes. Every day. Thirty days. I have to jump in. No saying that I have to wait for spring break or next month. It's now. It's today. 

I love General Conference. I love hearing messages from my Heavenly Father. I know that when I pray with my daughter that she feels the spirit. I know that my family is sealed forever because of the priesthood we have here on earth and the covenants that we were able to make in God's Holy Temple. I know the scriptures are true. I know that when I read them this morning my testimony was strengthened and my mind was enlightened. I know that the prophet and apostles are called of God and are his messengers here on earth. Their messages today were inspired and their guidance will lead me back to the arms of my Father in Heaven. I know that I am not alone. The Savior knows me and my family. He knows my concerns and my heart. I am so grateful for this testimony.  

Feeling Accomplished Today

First, in regards to weight loss I'm now down to 190!!! I've lost 25 lbs since the beginning of January. I love my Beach Body Challenge, Turbo Fire, and Shakeology! I did go through a couple of weeks where I lost my groove. Throwing up and having diarrhea at the same time will definitely take away your desire to jump around and sweat. But I didn't realize how even just 3 days of not working out will throw off my motivation and good habits. 

I'm back on track now and have plateaued at 190. I'm recommitting to track my calories on My Fitness Pal and am back into my regular schedule of Turbo Fire! With change... comes change!

Right after I woke up and played with my daughter this morning, I did my HIT 20 workout from Turbo Fire. It felt wonderful to start my day this way! 

Today was the first of the two day LDS General Conference. I love being able to listen to the prophet and apostles of the church. Last night Shane and I went to the Jordan Temple to better prepare spiritually for Conference weekend. It was our first time going since we've moved to our new house. We don't have any family near by so we had some good friends watch Taylor. I want to go at least monthly. When I am in the temple I feel so close to my Savior and my Heavenly Father. I am reminded of who I am and the woman that I can become. Going to the temple with my husband also sparks feelings that I felt when we were married and promised a forever together. 

During the first session of General Conference, I had to attend an ultrasound appointment. No, I'm not pregnant. Before I had Taylor, I used the Nuva Ring for birth control and loved it. I was like clock work and that was really helpful when we started to try to get pregnant. We're not planning to grow our family until later this fall, but what I'm currently using for birth control has been causing problems since day one. About 6 weeks after I had Taylor, I had my doctor insert the Mirena IUD after I heard a lot of benefits from research and friends. While it was being implanted, I was seeing spots and was lightheaded. It almost hurt worse than giving birth. We continued on with placing the IUD. No follow up appointments were made. Over the last year I've noticed discomfort and bleeding at random times. Knowing this wasn't normal, I asked a midwife about it and she ordered me an ultrasound so we could see what was going on. Sure enough at today's appointment, the ultrasound tech clarified that there was something wrong and that my midwife would be in touch with me at the beginning of the week. I don't know how bad, but I do appreciate the ultrasound tech being up front with me. I'm not scared, but know that it's not time yet for us to have another baby. Once we know I'm safe and it's taken out, we'll go back to the Nuva Ring until we feel ready!

On my way back home, I was able to listen to the last of the morning session that I missed. It was so nice and calming. Once I got home, I was happily surprised to find my husband busy cleaning the house while our daughter was down for a nap. We weren't able to spend that much together though since I had to leave soon after to go meet my mom, sister, and grandma for lunch. I hate a small side salad and half of steak sandwich! Go me! I headed back home in time for the afternoon sessions. 

I LOVED the afternoon session of General Conference. Here are some thoughts that I took away from it:

• Linda Reeves- commitment between spouses, spouse should always come first, support your spouses, don't suffer alone if your spouse is struggling with pornography, daily scripture study & prayer are more important than cleaning, be faithful & obedient in inviting the Spirit into our home, protection through temple attendance
• Neil Andersen- it will not be calm leading up to the Second Coming, challenges strengthen us, Helaman 5:12, Christ is my rock and safety, be in the world- not of the world. 
• Russell M. Nelson- Where is my faith? Faith is always safe in God. Look unto Him in every though. Doubt not. Fear not. Am I tied to God or man? All truth is a part of God. Read scriptures will help us make daily decisions. Liken the scriptures unto us. Popular opinion doesn't justify wrong. Have the courage to not compromise what you know to be right. Proclaim your faith. Let your faith show. 
• Richard G Scott- His wife's convictions and faith made all the difference in their life. Love people so they can know God's love. Focus life on Basic parts of the plan of salvation (conversion & strengthening families). Keep your sharing of the Gospel simple. The atonement makes it possible for us to become more like our Heavenly Father & to be with our families forever. We best serve God by being a righteous influence to others. 
• Robert D Hales- The greatest lesson Jesus taught was obedience. We have a sacred obligation to uphold our covenants and to obey God's laws. Obedience brings blessings. Obedience is taught by example. 
• W. Craig Zwick- Only good communication, no corrupt communication. Love, kindness, and civility. A soft answer. Own the truth. Address loved one's fears. Include empathy first. What is the other person thinking? Understand and listen to someone else's perspective. Administer grace. 

After General Conference today, I planned to do two things through my weekly grocery trip. I was going to SAVE MONEY and work on my EMERGENCY FOOD STORAGE. I made a grocery list like always that included 2 new recipes that I'm going to try this week. I wanted to stay focused on healthy meal choices as well. I ended up buying about $30 worth of food storage! I saved some money by buying my needed items on sale or store brands (usually don't buy store brand). 

Besides, grocery shopping I went to a book store and bought to pictures of Jesus Christ. One picture is to go down in our family room, by our computer. It's a painting of Jesus Christ holding a lamb. The other painting is for Taylor. It will go up in the hall leading to her room. It is a painting of Jesus Christ with a little girl holding an oil lamp. I love it and the feelings that it evokes. I also bought Taylor a little board book. 

After putting away groceries and welcoming my sweet husband home from his evening Priesthood Session, I am so happy today. I feel accomplished. I feel that today was a good day. I worked on goals that I've set for myself. I started the day with playing with my daughter and working out. I ended the day with pondering on the inspired messages from General Conference, chores done, an updated food storage, and an invitation to remember the Savior in our home.